Tool 1: Roster
If you have more than one child, a roster is imperative as it ensures fairness and also minimises sibling rivalry. A roster can be drawn up by starting with the eldest child’s name at the top, followed by the second eldest and so on. The following day, the name at the top drops to the bottom of the roster and the other names move up. Whoever is top of the list, you can refer to as ’Top Dog’. She has certain privileges on that day. Privileges can include the following:
- Choice of the TV programme.
- They are the only one that is allowed to play with a device, such as an iPad or cell phone.
- They are the 1st to have a bath.
- They have certain chores, which I’ll discuss shortly.
- If the family decides to go for an outing, the parents offer Top Dog the choice of one of three activities e.g. going to a movie, going to a park, or some other recreational activity.
- If a parent brings home an item that all the children want, flipping a coin or drawing straws is the fair way to resolve the problem. Top dog will be allowed to flip a coin and make a call, and if there are more than two kids, straws can be drawn.
It is interesting to note that young children do not understand the laws of probability. For instance, if a coin is tossed and it lands heads, they will be convinced that every time a coin is tossed, it will land on heads. I mentioned earlier that fairness is a key to avoiding sibling rivalry, and it is often not easy to understand what kids see as fair. Never give anything to one child without including the other children and then draw straws or flip a coin if more than one child wants the item.
Tool 2: Pocket Money
The idea of pocket money is to create a situation where the child has an opportunity to learn about money and its value. Pocket money that falls out of the sky and has no value to the child, teaches her nothing. We also need to distinguish between responsibilities and chores. A child does not get paid for responsibilities such as brushing their teeth, cleaning their room, packing their toys away, cleaning the bath and washing their hair. A child as young as two years old can earn pocket money every day, by taking their plate back to the kitchen and putting it on the sink. As they get older chores can include the following:
- Setting the table
- Clearing the table
- Feeding the dog
- Picking up the dog poo
- Making their own school lunch
- Helping unpack the groceries
- Cleaning the swimming pool
- Raking up leaves
As they become teenagers, they can earn more money by doing the following chores:
- Cooking a full meal such as a roast chicken. They need to be responsible for cleaning up afterwards.
- Cleaning the car both inside and outside.
As you can see, the older they get, the more chores they can be offered. I would suggest that a child of five need only earn R5 a day. This means that they can earn approx. R35 per week. Your child should only receive presents on their birthday, or a religious holiday where presents are exchanged. If they want an item such as a toy or game, they need to save. For instance, if your child wants a doll that costs R50, they need to save from their pocket money. However, if they cooperate and try their best at school you can then offer to contribute two towards the cost of the doll. Ensure that whenever you go out with the children, whether it’s to a restaurant or shopping, that they bring their pocket money. Let them know that if they see something that they want to buy and have sufficient funds, they’re welcome to buy it. This avoids all nagging when you go shopping, for instance, if your child sees an item that they want and don’t have sufficient funds, all you need to say to them is that they need to save harder and next time you shop, they can buy it. Because young children are quite impulsive, they see something and they want it. They fully accept the fact that if they don’t have enough money, they need to save. By the time the next week rolls around, they would have totally forgotten about the item that they had seen the week before.
Tool 3: The Tuckshop
The last structure that needs to be put in place is a tuckshop. No sweets are available to your child except from this tuckshop. I suggest that you take them shopping, and each child is allowed to buy five different sweets for the tuckshop. Small packets of biltong, chips or popcorn can also be put in the shop. The tuckshop opens after dinner and after homework, chores and other responsibilities have been completed. They are only allowed to spend R1 at the shop. One rand will buy them a small block of chocolate, a bite-size chocolate, five or six jelly beans and so on. They line up according to the roster and then they buy their sweet. If it is a chocolate or has a wrapper, they need to eat the sweet in the kitchen and throw the wrappers into the bin. For parents who are concerned about their sugar intake, I found that by buying only one small sweet a day, actually cuts down on their sugar intake. However, you can always place in the shop small packets of dried fruit, biltong, popcorn or similar items.
Introducing the structures (tools)
What I suggest is that when you get home, you get all your kids together and you say the following: “Guys, we’ve got some good news for you. Mom and I are not going to be screaming and shouting any more. You guys are going to be able to earn your own pocket money. Would you like that? Good. And not only that, you’ll be able to save your money and buy whatever you would like. But we are also going to have what’s called a roster. How this works is that we are going to start with the eldest one which is the eldest child at the top of the roster, followed by the second eldest and so on. We are going to call that person Top Dog, and whoever is top dog will have certain privileges. For instance, they will be the one that chooses the TV programme, they will be the only child that can play with the iPad, they will also choose where they want to sit in the car, and if we go out they will be able to choose where they would like to go, but mommy and daddy will give them three options. Are you guys all happy with that?” “But the best news is that we are going to have our own tuckshop. You will all be able to choose five different sweets to put in the shop. These will be the only sweets in the house. That tuckshop will open after supper and you can spend one rand to buy a sweet. But you don’t have to buy a sweet, because these stickers will also be in the tuckshop and you can buy them for one rand a sticker and collect them if you want to.” “Now you’re going to earn pocket money by doing chores, and we are going to make a list and every night after supper when you have done your chores, and your homework, and eaten your food, you will get paid and then be allowed to spend one rand in the tuckshop. Would you like that? Chores will be things like feeding the dog, loading the dishwasher, unpacking the dishwasher, making your own school lunch and cleaning the dog poo. Are you all happy with that?” At this meeting with the kids, pre-empt all the chores that they could do and they can choose. Set a limit to what they can earn a day.
Take Control of Family Dynamics: Discover the Benefits of Implementing These Tools
Using these tools to implement the structures establishes clear boundaries and rules which your kids need to agree to. If you’re interested to find out more and to experience the effectiveness of these tools, it is highly recommended that you enroll for Dr. Resnick’s 90 minute course ‘Tools to manage your family effectively’. Contact Dr Ken for more information