We need to understand that everything a child does is a choice, but the problem is, what are the consequences of these choices? One of the main ideas of the SmartChoiceParenting programme is that parents should encourage and allow their child to make choices, but they also need to ensure that the child understands the consequences for bad choices.
Consequences need to be pre-empted and negotiated with the child. You then strike a deal with your child; so that when they have made a bad choice they are, in fact, choosing the pre-empted consequence of that choice.
As an example, one of the rules in our home was that any recording of a movie or series that I had made could not be deleted without my permission. We agreed that if one of the kids chose to delete a recording I had made without asking, meant that they did not want to watch TV for a week.
One day a movie I had recorded was deleted and the culprit was one of the twins. When she came home from school, I said to her that I couldn’t believe that she didn’t want to watch TV for a week. She asked me why and I told her that by deleting the movie I had recorded without my permission meant that she was choosing not to watch TV for a week.
She agreed and accepted the consequence. However, a few days later she came to me and asked when she could watch TV again. I told her that I wanted her to watch during all the agreed times, but when she chose to delete my movie she was saying to me that she did not want to watch for a week and a week it had to be. She totally accepted the explanation and not once during the course of that week, did she ask me again.
By adopting this approach, you are transferring the responsibility from yourself as the parent, to the child. This, in turn, reduces impulsive behaviour as they begin to think carefully and cautiously when making a choice. This helps them overcome impulsive responses.
You are not punishing them, but rather following through on the consequences agreed to. It is not your problem, as they made the choice. In this way you are able to maintain your authority in calm and effective manner, as your child now owns the problem.
By instilling clearly defined rules and pre-emptive consequences reduces impulsivity in a child as they are choosing the consequences of a bad choice. In other words, they learn from their mistakes and become less impulsive and more thoughtful when making decisions.
Pre-Empting
If we have a look at how society functions, it does so through rules and set out consequences. As an example, we know that talking on our cell phone in the car is against the law and we do understand that if we are caught, we would have to pay a R500 fine. But imagine if we only knew that it was against the law to chat on cell phones in the car, but had no idea of the consequence. We then find out that a friend, who was caught chatting on his phone, paid a bribe. A few days later, we take a chance and are sentenced to a jail term of 30 years. Society could not function with this type of reactive consequence. But this is how we parent – we tend to warn our children, threaten them, nag them and eventually lose our cool and overreact with the consequence that we mete out. This is bound to make your child anxious and insecure, and often respond in an impulsive and inappropriate manner.
So, pre-empting is vital when setting out rules and consequences with your child. You need to pre-empt all situations in order to avoid conflict and arguments.
Rules and consequences need to be negotiated with your child, and you need their buy in and make a deal.
For instance, before friends come over, ask your child to pack away all their toys that they don’t want to share. They need to agree that all the other toys must be shared with their friends and if they don’t allow their friends to play with these toys, they will be asking for the toys to be confiscated.
When friends come over to play, it is important for you as a parent to get them all together and explain the rules of the house e.g. no running through the house, no taking things out of the fridge without asking, explain play areas and you will find you will not have a problem.
If you’re hosting a birthday party, gather all the kids together and spell out the rules. For instance, food and ice cream can only be eaten at tables, the adult’s lounge is not for children, which means that they cannot come in and take sweets that had been laid out for the adults. Clarify where the toilet is and the route they need to take to get there. You will find that you will not have an incident during the course of the party.
Enrol for Dr Ken Resnick’s 1 hour course on ‘How to speak to Your Child’ and learn how to manage a calm home with cooperative children that are responsible, decisive and NOT impulsive!
