Divorce custody
In most cases, a divorce is a life-shock event. Mothers who have been awarded custody are left with the major responsibility regarding parenting. Fathers, on the other hand, usually lose their homes, their security and comfort zone, as well as their role with their children.
Many parents are threatened if a third party is involved and reaching a custody agreement is often contaminated by feelings of anger and resentment. This may result in a protracted and drawn-out legal battle that is very costly.
Often, the children´s best interests take a back seat. When this happens, the problem is exacerbated as the lawyers are working for their clients rather than in the best interests of the children.
If custody is contested, children are sent for a battery of assessments which often leaves them more insecure and unable to cope. The fact that both parents have a legal right to have access to their children means that they need to put their own emotional issues aside, work together as parents and act in their children’s best interests.
Court battles mean just that, they are battles and involve hostility. Hostility equates to angry parents. Angry parents have difficulty staying calm and objective while parenting their child for the relatively short period that they are with him until their turn comes around again to see their child.
However, the trend today is to award joint custody where the children spend an equal amount of time staying with each parent – sometimes a few days with one parent and then the same number of days with the other parent.
I am of the opinion that this arrangement is not in the child’s best interest. A child needs to feel safe, secure and settled and unless the parents have exactly the same structures, rules and consequences, and are able to put their differences aside while parenting, the chances of the child feeling secure and settled are minimal.
Parenting with your child’s best interests
Hostility between the parents exacerbates the problem even further. If joint custody arrangements are going to be agreed upon, This should be on the condition that the structures, routine and discipline in the two homes are similar. The SCPP is able to help parents effectively in this regard.
I have been dealing with a number of divorced couples who are embroiled in costly legal disputes and I have had an overwhelmingly positive response from the couples who are prepared to work together using the structures of the SCPP.
When both parents come on board, they experience significant positive changes with their children and, in many cases, their own relationship improves to the extent that the child senses no hostility or anxiety from his parents. The programme is cost-effective and can save divorced couples thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of Rands in legal fees
Parenting is a management job and couples who decide to divorce need to understand that the issues that caused the breakdown of the marriage are separate from working in the best interests of the children.
There is no perfect parent and all parents can do is try their best. There is an extraordinary amount of alienation issues in a divorce. This situation can only have a negative impact on the child who then finds himself having to show loyalty to one parent at the expense of the other.
IMPORTANT: Children cannot comprehend the adult world and have no idea or understanding of the issues and hostility between their parents. This leaves them anxious and insecure which could lead to a host of anxiety problems such as poor concentration and other learning difficulties.
Parenting children from broken homes
Whether you´re a single parent, step-parent, foster parent, or parent of an adopted child, the skills needed to manage these children are similar. The adults should play the role of authority figure in a child’s life when he is left in their care.
What’s in the child’s best interests?
In a divorce, if parents place their child’s best interests first, there should be no reason why the child should not cope going forward. Raising kids as a single parent can be challenging but, with the correct guidance, it can certainly be rewarding.
The issues the parents had that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage should not influence custody and access arrangements. The best interests of the children always have to be considered.
No one is a perfect parent and if both parents involved in a divorce are prepared to take responsibility for their job as a parent, there should be no reason to take sides in judging who is the better parent. A very strict parent is as flawed as a helicopter parent.
The SCPP gives parents insight and understanding regarding how different parenting styles inhibit the child from actualising his potential.
Insights and Guides for parents
Below are some insights and a guide for parents who are divorced or who are going through a divorce. A child’s major need is to feel safe and secure. It is up to the parents to ensure that these needs are met.
Children up to the age of eight or nine are concrete in their thinking and cannot understand abstract concepts such as divorce or ‘daddy’s having an affair. In order for the child to cope, he needs to feel safe when in the company of both parents. No child likes to act as a go-between passing messages from one parent to the other.
Many parents tend to over-compensate and become over-involved with their children post-divorce. Parenting is a managing job and it’s important that parents don’t develop a co-dependent relationship with their children.
Children must still sleep in their own beds, play with friends and have a structure whereby they have routine and responsibilities. It is important to ensure that children of divorced parents do not feel responsible for their custodian parent’s emotional well-being.
Children feel totally helpless when they see their mother crying, irritable or in a bad mood. This helplessness can impact their behaviour and cause them to act up and, as a consequence, the mother becomes more anxious and insecure. The more anxious and insecure the mother, the more the problem with the child is exacerbated.
The step-parent should be involved
When dealing with divorced couples, I suggest that they attend the SmartChoiceParenting™ Programme as the practical skills that they garner from the course enable them to parent from the same page.
If these parents are involved in another relationship or have re-married, I encourage them to bring their partners along. It is important for divorced parents not to feel threatened when their ex becomes involved in a new relationship.
This does not mean that the new partner is going to usurp or replace the other biological parent. What it does mean is that this new partner should be recognised as an authority figure in his/her home and should be totally involved in the parenting of the step-child.
