What is the Sibling Rivalry Paradox?
What do we mean by sibling rivalry paradox when sibling rivalry is usually about arguing and fighting and disrespect amongst your siblings? The paradox is when there is a great deal of competitiveness between siblings, instead of causing conflict, it can lead to stronger bonds between them.
Overview
What I am discussing in this blog is that one of the aims of parenting is to ensure that all your siblings feel good about themselves and have a positive self-image. When this is the case, sibling rivalry in a negative sense can be replaced by sibling rivalry in a positive sense.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that from my experience one of the main problems at the root of sibling rivalry is perceived unfairness by one or other sibling. Many parents believe that they are parenting their children consistently and in the same manner. Reality tells a different story.
A child who is being picked on and most often blamed for arguments between siblings, will naturally be spoken to in a different manner by the parents, while the so-called ‘good ‘sibling is spoken to in a kinder and non-threatening tone.
The Paradox Explained
Competition between siblings can strengthen bonds if they feel positive about themselves and are being treated in a fair manner by their parents. All kids have potential and if they are self-motivated and have the grit and determination to succeed in whatever they do, they will be able to accept other siblings’ strengths and weaknesses.
In fact, they will feel proud of their other siblings’ achievements, while the other siblings will be encouraging in their relationship with each other.
Real-life Example of the Paradox
A real-life example was between my step-twins, where Erica had more natural swimming ability than Zoe. Zoe saw this as a challenge and practiced and practiced in order to try and beat her sister in a swimming race. Her determination paid off on one occasion when she did beat her sister Erica in a gala race. Erica’s reaction was positive and she was very proud that Zoe had come first and beaten her.
This rivalry continued throughout their schooling and there was never any negative reaction when one achieved higher marks than the other. We as parents were totally supportive in acknowledging their achievements. There was not a single occasion where the girls felt that we, as parents, had been unfair.
Impact of Family Relationships
The impact of instilling self-confidence, healthy competitiveness, and fair parenting practices, has been enormous. The determination to achieve shown by both girls has ensured that their relationship has been healthy, and harmonious.
Coping and Positive Outcomes
A few months ago I asked the girls what the secret was that they never seemed to have any serious conflict throughout all their school years. Erica replied and said that they had made a pact that they would never go to bed without resolving any issues they might have had.
Conclusion
To recap, positive sibling rivalry where your children have high self-esteem, a healthy need to achieve, the determination to persevere and compete, plus the acceptance of each other’s differences and talents, is dependent on how we parent. There is no greater feeling for a parent than to see your children growing into young adults that have all the tools to take on the challenges that life will present to them.
Learn how to be a fair parent who has the skills and knowledge to parent your siblings with confidence and mutual respect. Experience the fulfilment of knowing that your children will always have feelings of respect and love between each other and you, their parent.
On a scale of 1-10, how well do you think you are handling sibling rivalry in your home?
