Sibling rivalry is a challenge for the majority of parents who have more than one child.
Parents often believe that they are fair and do not favour a particular child. In reality, this is not always the case. It is knowing how to parent in a fair and consistent manner that will enable parents to effectively manage their siblings.
The Roster
The most essential tool for parents in order to minimise sibling rivalry is to introduce a roster. The initial roster has the older sibling’s name on top followed by the second eldest and so on.
Every day the sibling who was at the top the previous day moves to the bottom of the list and the other siblings move up the list.
Whoever is at the top of the list has certain privileges for the day such as choosing the TV programme, choosing where they’d like to sit in the car and one or two other privileges.
Arguments can be resolved by flipping a coin if there are only two siblings or drawing straws if there are more than two kids.
Understanding sibling rivalry
It is the manner in which we parent that lies at the heart of sibling rivalry. Parents have to be the authority figure in their children’s lives which means that they need to manage them in a calm and fair manner.
Negotiate rules and consequences
This is achieved by negotiating rules and consequences with your children, giving every child a chance to agree to the rules, and if any of the children are not happy with the rule, they need to be given the chance to express their view.
Pre-empted rules and consequences are of the utmost importance in order for a parent to maintain their authority in a fair and calm manner.
The impact of sibling rivalry on families and child development
A child who perceives that he is always being picked on and believes that his parents favour other siblings, will in all likelihood result in developmental problems which will include inappropriate behaviour and possible learning difficulties.
The so-called ‘black sheep’ in a family will more than likely be subjected to various assessments and therapy, where the parents’ role which in all probability may lie at the heart of the child’s problem is virtually ignored.
Low-self Esteem and underachievement
A child who is being picked on by his parents and siblings, will in all likelihood not be performing well at school and be the butt of teasing and bullying by his siblings and peers.
Essential tools for managing sibling rivalry
It is essential for parents to recognise that they are guiding their children to adulthood and thus have to ensure that they are able to communicate, respect, and ensure that they understand that it may be the manner in which they are parenting that lies at the root of sibling rivalry.
They need to ensure that:
- They don’t listen to tales
- That each child is given a chance to express their viewpoint
- If the parent is not present during an altercation, they must not take sides
- Have regular meetings with all the children and encourage them to express issues that might be bothering them, and this may include sibling rivalry
- If there is an item that all siblings may want, the easiest resolution would be to either flip a coin if they are only two siblings or draw straws
- A parent cannot expect a child to ‘listen’ to them if they are not being fair and consistent with the parenting
Practical Tips and Techniques
- Never allow a sibling to supervise their brothers and sisters
- Never leave your children alone without adult supervision
- Your credibility is important in order to maintain a trusting relationship with your children, and if you have made a promise you need to follow it through
- Never compare one sibling’s achievements against another sibling
- Never act on behalf of a child without obtaining their permission
- Always respect your child’s feelings by not teasing or undermining them in front of their siblings
- Ensure that you speak to all your children in exactly the same tone of voice and in an authoritative and firm manner
- Do not assume that when a fight breaks out amongst the siblings that it is always one particular sibling’s fault.
If you are having any issues with sibling rivalry don’t hesitate to send us a message!