Sibling rivalry can be described as conflict between children in a family supervised by adults, usually their parents, and this includes stepchildren, foster children, adopted children or any other child being brought up in a family.
There is no doubt that sibling rivalry can, and more than likely has, a negative impact on a child’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and motivation to want to learn.
If a sibling is constantly behaving badly and being picked on by his fellow siblings and shouted at by his parents, there is no doubt that developmental problems such as anxiety, attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder as well as other disorders may manifest themselves.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
One of the major causes of sibling rivalry is a perceived unfairness by one or more siblings regarding the parent’s attitude to them. Parents often believe that they are parenting their children in the same manner, but this is seldom the case. It seems that many parents do not take much notice when one of their children says to them that they are not being fair.
Very few parents speak to their children in the same tone of voice. A child who never seems to give any problems is spoken to in a kind nurturing voice, and the child who is constantly in trouble is more than likely being admonished and spoken to in a stern voice.
Common behaviours associated with sibling rivalry include constant bickering, selfishness, telling tales and bullying amongst others. Very often if there is intense dislike amongst siblings, it impacts their relationship for the rest of their lives.
In many cases when a sibling is perceived as ‘the black sheep of the family’, their relationship with their parents may never be satisfactory and could more than likely result in lifelong resentment.
Expert Advice on Handling Sibling Rivalry
A child is totally dependent on their parents to guide them into adulthood. This means that sibling rivalry is created by parenting that is inadvertently inappropriate, unfair or biased.
The quality of parenting that a child receives is the key factor in their healthy development and this includes their relationship with others, and their siblings and family in particular.
Parents have a tendency to talk down to their children and often end up lecturing and trying to reason with them. This does not work. The most effective way to communicate with a child is to ensure that they respect your authority and your ability to negotiate with them successfully.
Rules with consequences need to be clearly spelt out and negotiated with all members of the family. Each sibling needs to be given a chance to respond and agree or disagree to whatever is being negotiated. By giving a child a chance to speak makes a huge difference and will result in them cooperating without a fuss.
There is talk of fostering sibling relationships. If a parent knows how to communicate and respect their siblings, a cordial relationship will automatically fall into place.
It is also a good idea to have a family meeting every few months, especially if tension appears to be building up between the siblings. Instead of giving them a lecture, ask the siblings what they think would be the best way to resolve the obvious tension.
An Essential Tool for Managing Sibling Rivalry
An essential tool for assisting parents to manage their siblings is the implementation of a Roster. Starting with the oldest child at the top of the list and going all the way down to the youngest child, the order of the siblings rotates every day.
After day one the child at the top of the roster moves to the bottom while the rest move up. Whoever is at the top of the roster is known as ‘Top Dog’.
‘Top Dog’ has certain privileges for the day e.g. they choose where they sit in the car, they choose the TV programme for the day, they are the only ones that is allowed to have the iPad for an hour after supper, and if the family are going on a dinner outing, they can choose the restaurant.
Any arguments over an item that more than one sibling wants can easily be resolved by flipping a coin or drawing straws.
When implemented properly, the Roster can resolve virtually all conflicts between the siblings. It is fair, easy to implement and most importantly easy to manage.
Conclusion
In conclusion, minimising or eliminating sibling rivalry lies in the hands of the parents. I had the good fortune to parent to step-daughters from the age of three with the structures of the SmartChoiceParenting Programme.
We had no sibling rivalry, no back chat, mutual respect, self-motivated and independent young girls who shared a bedroom until they completed their matric.
For more information regarding the implementation of the Roster and a simple solution in helping you manage in a calm manner with cooperative siblings, send us a message.
