In virtually all the articles that I have read on sibling rivalry, it is seen as a phenomenon that just seems to happen amongst siblings. From my experience working with families, I have come to the conclusion that sibling rivalry is a sibling’s perceived unfairness regarding their parent’s attitude and parenting style.
In many families, sibling rivalry is seen as part of the scenery that happens in virtually all families, and as a result, far too many parents ignore the potential of negative consequences on their child or children.
Understanding Sibling Rivalry
The role of the parent is to guide their children into adulthood and equip them with the skills that will help them deal with all challenges that they may need to overcome in their life.
When sibling rivalry occurs the parents are not managing the children in a fair and consistent manner even though many parents believe that they parent all of their children in the same manner.
Parents are human beings and as a result, if they have one child who cooperates and knows how to stay on their good side, they will more than likely speak to that child in a different tone of voice compared to a child who is always throwing tantrums and fighting with their siblings.
From my experience, sibling rivalry is prevalent in the majority of families that I have seen.
The Mistake of Ignoring Sibling Rivalry
The quality of parenting is the key factor in the healthy development of a child. In other words, a child that is always being shouted at, ignored, or punished because of the parent’s perception that the child is difficult, will more than likely have low self-esteem and may find schoolwork and the challenges of the playground difficult.
The child might be seen as the ‘black sheep of the family,’ where his siblings are constantly picking on him or telling tales. The consequences of this situation could be dire, especially when he reaches adolescence and become vulnerable to peer pressure. Often behaving in an inappropriate manner or indulging in drinking, smoking, vaping, and taking drugs.
An underachieving child who is a problematic adolescent may also grow into an adult with problematic social skills and a lack of grit in persevering and setting goals for himself.
Interestingly, I have seen many families where there is a so-called good child and another child who is always in trouble and seeking negative attention. Once the parents are given structures that will enable them to manage their children in a fair manner, there is a change in the dynamic between the siblings.
This occurs when the good sibling stays on the good side of the parent and is often telling tales on the naughty sibling and even making suggestions to their parents regarding what consequences the naughty child should receive.
Once parents realise that they do need to change their parenting style and level the playing fields, the ‘naughty’ child becomes cooperative, makes good choices, and is treated equally by the parents, while the good child has her nose put out and may become difficult.
The Downside of Overlooking Sibling Rivalry
In many cases where sibling rivalry is ignored, the relationship between the siblings may be negatively affected for the rest of their lives. I know of many situations where two siblings who never got on with each other while under the care of their parents, end up having nothing to do with each other for the rest of their lives.
A child who believes that his parents aren’t fair and who is always looking for negative attention will in all likelihood have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, lacking in self-discipline, and may have problems in their social relationships.
This situation often arises when parents compared one sibling against the other.
The Role of the Parent in Managing Sibling Rivalry
As mentioned earlier, it is the responsibility of the parent to ensure that they manage their children in a consistent and fair manner by ensuring that all the siblings feel accepted and understood.
The SmartChoiceParenting Programme equips parents with the tools, insight and understanding that will enable them to minimise or even eliminate sibling rivalry.
Conclusion
This article is intended to create an awareness in parents that it is the manner in which they parent that lies at the core of sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry should not be ignored as it creates an unhealthy climate in the home.
This, in turn, can have a negative impact on the development of the child which may affect them in their relationships and success in life.