However hard parents struggle to do what is best for their troubled and troublesome teenager, too often there comes a point when parents’ willingness to help and understand him gives way to feelings of despair and frustration.
In order to help their teenage children effectively, parents themselves need support and guidance.
Understanding Adolescence
Parents first need to understand and appreciate the enormous changes that occur in a child’s body when they reach adolescence. During this phase, your teen will develop sexually, and will become more aware of and interested in the opposite sex. This is a natural part of growing up, and as such should be approached frankly and without embarrassment.
Along with this greater sexual awareness, they will also crave the acceptance of their teenage peers more than that of their parents.
Often friends at this age will actively encourage each other to go against their parents’ wishes and, in so doing, stoke the fires of conflict between teens and their parents that so often occurs during this stage. This happens particularly when parents try to prohibit their adolescent from activities in which other teens are partaking.
Communication Breakdown
All too frequently, parents react with lectures and threats to their teenager’s moodiness, cheekiness, disinterest in schoolwork, and general ambivalence. Communication between parents and their teenager then breaks down as he rebels against what he perceives as unfair restrictions placed upon him by his parents.
Although parents have a right to attempt to comprehend why a teen makes bad choices, reacting to their behaviour by talking down to them does nothing to encourage mutual trust. This merely contributes to the tension that already exists in the home and only serves to further limit communication.
Trust is the key to communication, especially with adolescents. Inevitably, when trust breaks down, both parents and teens feel misunderstood by the other.
Parents need to understand that at this stage of their child’s life they cannot ‘make’ them do anything. Parents cannot enforce punishments on their teenager or otherwise influence them to accept conditions in which they have no say.
As a result, when parents try to prescribe rules without their adolescent’s input, their authority diminishes in his eyes. The teenager then loses respect for his parents, and trust then breaks down.
In order to re- build trust, parents first need to acknowledge that they do make mistakes and would like to understand why their teen becomes frustrated and uncooperative.
Parents need to give their teens the chance to explain why they make the choices that they do, rather than becoming dogmatic and acting in an authoritarian manner.
For example, if your teen has a friend with whom you disapprove, ask why he has chosen this friend rather than trying to prohibit your teenager from associating with him.
Another way for parents to open the doors of communication is by acknowledging that they sometimes make bad choices too. When children understand that parents are prepared to acknowledge their role in the conflict with their teen, so too will their teen be more willing to cooperate. In this way, parents can regain their child’s trust, and obtain their cooperation.
Troubled Teens
If a teenager is abusing drugs or alcohol, is in trouble at school or with the law, or is causing havoc at home, the results of their behaviour tends to isolate the family. The feeling that parents are alone with this problem tends to compound feelings of guilt and may even lead to conditions such as depression.
As with younger children, parents must remember that everything their teenager does is a choice. As such, they need to try and understand why they are making these bad choices.
For most troubled teenagers, bad behaviours begin when trust breaks down with the authority figures (i.e. parents, teachers, counsellors, etc.) in their lives. Their friends then become the most important role models in their lives, and as a result they tend to get drawn into a group that feels the same way about adults in general.
The majority of teenagers do not want to see a psychologist or engage in therapy. Many parents of troubled teens try to force their teenage child to see a psychologist or therapist, often with limited or no success. In order for parents to try to resolve their relationship with their teen, it is advisable that an unbiased mediator be brought into the situation.
Often problems are exasperated by having two teenagers in a household. One might appear to be cooperative and happy while the other one is uncooperative and moody. In situations like these, parents need to take a step back and look at things from their unhappy child’s perspective. Only then can they understand why their teen is unhappy and uncooperative. Sibling rivalry is usually as a result of perceived unfairness by the troublesome teen regarding their parent’s attitude.
Building Trust
Teenagers usually will cooperate if they feel they are being heard. This is why it is so important to have a conversation with your teenager rather than talking down to or lecturing him. When parents put forth their concerns and listen to what their teen has to say, they can then start rebuilding trust between themselves and their teen.
As adults, if we think someone is listening to us, we tend to open up and trust that person. It is the same way with teens.
Through a thorough understanding of how the SmartChoiceParenting programme works, parents can rebuild trust with their teenager. First of all, rules have to be negotiated with the teenager rather than unilaterally enforced by the parents. Most of the structures included previously in the SmartChoiceParenting programme can be put into place (SmartTeenz). All that is needed from the teen’s side is their cooperation.
Dr. Ken has a unique and very effective way of building a relationship of trust between himself and the teenager. Once this is established, in virtually all cases the teen will agree to cooperate and participate in a mediated session with Dr. Ken and his/her parents.
